a mess of the fleeting and incomprehensible

They’re kind of depressing to watch from the inside, but I love being in the middle of it. I like that peaceful, quiet feeling when the dark clouds are still overhead but it’s no longer raining. It’s good to see the light and dark side of the clouds, coexisting in the sky like that. It’s like they put a blanket over the world for a few minutes, for a few hours, and just like that, everything went a little bit quiet.

My heart and thoughts go a little quiet, too.

It’s nice.

Being forgotten.

I always ask myself ‘what if?’ questions. However, the one that comes up more often than not is, “What if I died today?”

I’m not afraid of dying — to me, it’s just a fact of life. You’re born, and then sometime later, you die. I don’t want to end up like that, though; I wanted to make the part in between, living, to be filled with accomplishments and goals and things I can be proud of. I want to leave a legacy, I want to leave an impact on people, I want to be someone that people can look back to and say that I helped to change them in some way. I want to be someone significant.

If I died today, I want people to remember me as a person who made them laugh all the time. I want to be remembered as a dear friend. I wanted to be remembered as someone trustworthy and never broke a pinky promise, as someone who worked the hardest, as someone who always overcame their obstacles and didn’t let anything stop them, as someone who cared for others with my entire heart, as someone who lived with no regrets, but most of all, I want to be remembered as a good person.

So, I live like how I want to be remembered.

I think it’s a little strange but, I really enjoy the feeling of sweating, being sore, having blisters on my feet and still having my heartbeat a little faster than normal. I like basking in the afterglow of a practice, knowing I gave it everything I had and worked as hard as I could. I like feeling like I grew, I improved, that I’m better than I was yesterday. I like the process of cleaning up the smallest details, working together as a group and moving as one.

I’m proud.

Today, I sat with my parents to eat breakfast together after a long time. Although it’s already 11, it’s the thought that counts, and it’s not technically lunch yet, haha.

During weekdays, I always eat breakfast alone (and in under ten minutes) because my parents are already at work by the time I wake up, so I rush to catch the bus. On Saturdays, my parents go to work voluntarily because they feel like it’s a waste if they don’t go, so I’m alone in the house until they come back. I work Sunday morning so I eat in the car on the way there to be efficient.

Sitting there with some lame television show on in the background, in the sunlight, with the two most important people in my life… It filled me with a simple kind of happiness. I wish I could do things like that with them more often.

Thank you for everything, Jesus.

Happy Easter, everyone. (:

Screw the ‘easter rabbit’, that’s not what Easter is all about, you stupid marketing jackasses. Jesus came back to life on this day, I don’t get why y’all are giving your spoiled little teenage brats iTunes giftcards instead of going to church or spending time together. Shiiiiiit.

is a bit of an elusive creature for me.

So, I’ve been insecure about my body/weight since sixth grade. It’s lead me through very dark roads, and it’s just been a problem for my already scant amount of self-esteem. My insecurity proved to be a great fuel for motivation, and I started running, exercising, getting fit, etc etc.

However, my motivation only lasts a few days, because I’m impatient; I’m the type of person that gets discouraged if I don’t see results immediately. I know it’s not the right mentality to have when you’re trying to get fit because it’s a very long process, and you’re not going to get results right away, but I would have temporary fits of defeat and I’d just stop.

Nowadays, though, I’m getting better about my self-image. I’ve been focusing more on things I can change right away, things that will make an immediate impact; I’ve used my time to form new relationships, fix broken ones, and dance whenever I can. I feel good about myself because I’m making a difference in the things I say and do, and I know my looks don’t factor into it.

I don’t really know what to do with myself. Right now, I feel fine about the way I look, because I don’t want to change myself; I’m not motivated to lose weight to impress someone, or to even just do it for myself. My weight has nothing to do with how people perceive me — that makes me feel okay with how I am.

Still, someday, I really would like to be able to look in the mirror and focus on myself as a whole, and not just a big mess of imperfections.

I LOVE THE FEELING OF NOT HAVING HOMEWORK OH MY GOD

and I’ve made no move to clean it up. I found it kind of hilarious, actually — I was taking my sock off with my foot while jamming hard to a song I just learned choreography to and WHAM, bloody toe. I was probably going at it too hard during practice LOOOL. CAN’T HELP IT IF I WHIP MY HAIR THAT HARD, sacrifices must be made to remain fabulous!

…I think my laugh is really unattractive. When something’s REALLY funny, I have a variation of different laughs (including my rabbit laugh) that comes out so I never know what is going to happen. For the most part, however, when the humor catches me by surprise, it ends up like:

“Wait I don’t get i—O__O HA!
AHA! AHUH HUHHHHHHHHH etc”

Yeah forreal, I don’t like it but sometimes my laugh makes me laugh.

3:08 AM, personal best so far, aside from the couple of all-nighters I’ve done.

Good niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

It’s 1:31, you’ve plowed through 3 chapters’ worth of questions in 3 hours and you have the longest one left and just wow, Jean, wow, why do you always leave shit until the very last possible minute (and I mean that because you had a friggin’ month or something to do all of this). Why can’t you even give a single damn about it. Seriously, who are you and where did your sense of responsibility go. You’re not the girl I knew from a year ago, why are you such a procrastinator and why can’t you get shit organized and why don’t you have the overwhelming sense to clean instead of mope when you’re upset and why don’t you draw anymore and why do you waste your breath and feelings and time on people who haven’t proven they deserve it and why do you spend so much money on useless crap and clothes you don’t wear and why why why why why why do you think you can always make it out unscathed. You do each time, but I’m just going to wait for you to crash and burn and I’ll be laughing right here because I knew that was coming, it was just a matter of time.

What have you become.

That was really nice, actually.

I’m too tired of fighting it. I’m just gonna just sit back, let whatever happen, happen. It’s time for me to let go of the breath I’ve been holding since I grew too fond of you. 

As it is, everything just works out when I don’t put any effort into trying to make it happen. I can’t make you be friends with me, or like me. Things just go on their own course, and it gets messy when I try to direct it to my suitings.

It’s hard, and it won’t always be as successful as I want it to be, but for the most part? I’m really thankful for what I have. That’s something I need to remember all the time. I’m just happy you’re here.

Bros?

I think I’m okay with that. We’ll be bros. (:

I’ve always wanted to experience what it’d be like to fall endlessly.

I don’t want to jump off a building, though. Too cliche. Too messy. Not enough dreaming, too much letting go of things keeping someone firmly bound to the ground. No escaping, just… fulfilling a simple curiosity.

I want to jump out of a plane and learn how to fly, even if it’s for a mere half minute. I want to feel what the wind is like underneath my fingers, under my toes, through my hair. I want to dream in the sky and be held by the clouds and just not think about anything else except for the rush of an approaching horizon. I think it’ll give me a good sense of contentment until I hit the ground again. A nice wake-up call, perhaps?